my phone needs a breathalizer
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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