I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
