i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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