it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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