fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
