he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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