what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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