I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
do herpes really smell.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
