You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You've changed since you got that strap on
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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