I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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