yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
