I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
