i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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