Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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