i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
