kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize