That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
