I want you more than these girls want KFC
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
