And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
