i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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