and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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