I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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