last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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