i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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