i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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