I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
