his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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