Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
