I accidentally had phone sex last night
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
