Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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