my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
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Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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