carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Found the puke drawer
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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