what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
