What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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