highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
