Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
