I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
