Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
