You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
