life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Pants are for mortals
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
