i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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