i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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