Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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