cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
