he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Why is your signature on my underwear?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
