They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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