I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
