My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
