they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
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Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
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She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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