i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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