tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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