my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
