I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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