sarcasm needs its own font
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
