i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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