I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just invented taco cereal.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
