I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
