well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize